Good evening Mr. and Mrs. North America and all the students at sea, let's go to press. Flash! After that original topic sentence, which has nothing whatsoever to do with the rest of the column, I shall proceed with the topic under discussion. To-day the object is to sort and classify the various speciments of humanity which inhabit the building at Richmond and Lansdowne (not including the subversive element attending Normal.)
Class No.1: Male, 22 years of age. Celebrating his fourth year at Vic. College. Came because he doesn't like the idea of finishing a job and papa has an unlimited supply of money. Owns a convertible; chain smokes Exports; drinks beer; considers himself worldly, a b.m.o.c. (big man on campus) and takes pride in being a "wheel." This type is hoping for a rugby scholarship to "yew-of-double-yew," but his athletic prowess is limited to playing poker on Saturday nights.
Class No.2: Female. Average age, 18. She heard college women are outnumbered two to one, and is hoping to find a husband. Skips lectures to sit in the caf, because someone told her that is where "the boys" hang out. Is especially fond of Players and Sportsmen, drinks caf. coffee, and considers herself quite boor-ge-wah, or is it bourgeoise. This type is a social menace, but usually dies a horrible death at a very early age from cafeine poisoning.
Class No.3: Male, age 19. At Vic. College because he wants to be an engineer and go to U.B.C. Smokes a pipe and drinks rum. Can be found in the caf, second booth from the left, where he engages in lengthy discussions on politics, economics and women. Hopes someday to square the circle and build an underground tunnel from Mt. Tolmie direct to Tudor House (or is it Half-way House?)
Class No.4: Male and/or female. Aged 16 up. This type came to college, believe it or not, to learn something, but is a very small minority. Can be found in the library, perusing the latest copy of "True Life" magazine. Smokes Havanes, drinks root beer, and was labelled "the most likely to" by fellow-inmates at dear old Balai High.
And that, people, is 30 for today. We always aim to please, but remember, if the shoe fits, wear it.
The Martlet, February 5, 1951, p.3. (Arc LH3 M3a)
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